Soulvana Blog

Quality Time Or Receiving Gifts? Discover you Love Language

Speaking different languages of love may be so frustrating…

It’s actually quite common that someone will try to do something nice and it will be unnoticed or unappreciated. This happens because everyone speaks a different love language.

The 5 Love Languages is a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman. He uncovered during his many years of marriage and relationship counseling that the large majority of misunderstandings all these couples were struggling with, came from a lack of understanding about how their partner preferred to share and feel love in their own way.

Often times couples will try endlessly to show their partners how much they love and care for them, but the message just isn’t properly received, rendering so many continued efforts useless.

The 5 Love Languages

Quality Time
Being present and engaged with one-another, spending time together without distractions or making excuses.

Words Of Affirmation
Hearing or reading their partner’s’ reasons for love, uplifting compliments, and heartfelt feelings.

Physical Touch
Kissing, holding hands, hands on knees, hugs, sex, massages – anything to keep your bodies close to each other.

Acts Of Service
Doing what you can to help the person you love with whatever they need, just to take some stress off of them and work as a team.

Giving and Receiving Gifts
Using material items or mementos to represent a meaning or feeling that you both are sharing.

People typically appreciate all five to varying degrees, but they will generally value some more than others. Becoming aware of what kind of things mean the most to you, and also what means most to your partner can help you give each other exactly what you need.

The dangers of being in the dark

Not knowing your partner’s love language can create huge amounts of much turmoil in your relationship.

Guys, tell me if I’m wrong, but when your birthday comes around and all you really want is a quiet, romantic night in with just you two, and she writes you a long birthday card and insists that you should go out on a date to that new (crowded) restaurant or out to a bar or a club where you end up not even being able to talk to each other – isn’t that kind of complete misdirection is enough to actually ruin your birthday?

In this instance, the guy’s main love languages was Quality Time and Physical Touch, but his lady is more familiar with Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.

All of them are personal and meaningful to each of them, and come from a good place, but they don’t entirely match up when they are all mixed together.

Girls, I think because so many guys have been told “diamonds or roses are a girl’s best friend” that they often default to following this theory instead of listening to what you really need. So when he buys you an expensive watch – because you don’t have one (because you don’t really like to wear watches!) and all you really want is him to tell you that he is truly happy everyday to have you in his life and that he loves that are always cooking for him, and helping take care of his dog! Or heck, maybe he could even make you and the dog dinner for once!

When one person’s needs aren’t being met, they start to feel disconnected from the other and the actions all become totally misunderstood.

If they aren’t getting what they need, they will try less hard to make their partner happy because they feel like their actions and their energy aren’t reciprocated. It can cause the couple to become more distant, and eventually can be the reason for breaking the relationship off.disconnection

The beauty of speaking the same languages

Once both people are made aware of the specific ways their partner likes to receive love, they are then able to slightly alter the ways they send their messages. It’s almost like finding the key to their heart through proper communication!

If you know that a simple love letter is going to totally capture the heart of your loved one, won’t it be so much better to put your time into that rather than running around trying to find the perfect gift?

If all they want is you to just help out a little more around the house and all you really want is just a few more secret kisses behind the corners and little butt grabs as they walk by, then you can both do more of those things, and will probably be happy to because your needs are getting met as well!

You can do the exact right thing that they want instead of trying to guess, and possibly be way out of the ballpark.


Your relationship is precious, there is no sense in putting so much of your time and effort into something that your partner won’t appreciate.

If along the road your precious relationship starts to become shaky and one or both of you become unable to communicate your feelings towards each other, it will always help to go back to the basics and make sure that you are doing what the other needs in order to feel loved.

People are likely to change throughout a relationship, and as the lifestyle and needs evolve, the languages may as well. Sometimes when things can start going off course and all you need is a little map in order to find the right direction to move forward in together.

Help keep each other in the loop by evaluating what your own wants and needs are becoming and letting your partner know if you need more or less of anything.

Establishing what language you want to speak in and be spoken to will make it so you can both get what you want when you want it! This way everyone gets to be happy.


Alana Ciera

Alana Ciera

Alana Ciera is Madly in Life. She studied Positive Psychology and yoga in Denver Colorado, but recently has moved to Thailand and is working to progress her spiritual evolution and understanding of people and of the world. Her passion for writing is dedicated to helping others find inspiration, peace, and love for themselves.

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