You were not born knowing how to be a remarkable lover – no one was. You didn’t just wake up one day and know how to satisfy your partner in bed and have deeply fulfilling relationships.
And if you’re honest with yourself, you still don’t have it all figured out. Nobody sat you down at 5 years old and gave you a buffet of sexual values and paths to let you choose from. And if you’re like most people, you grew up in a culture where sex was taboo and you didn’t really know what to believe. There was confusion and even levels of obfuscation about what was the “right” way to approach your sexuality.
Chances are if you’re reading this, you’ve been on the path of personal development and have heard of different sexual paradigms. BDSM. Tantra. Kink. Swingers. Polyamory. Perhaps you’ve even played around or seriously partook in one of these realms. These can all be very powerful approaches… but have you ever found a philosophy that went beyond dogmas or doctrine?
That instead of focusing on just the spiritual aspects or just the physical aspects, included it all without conflict? One that told you HOW to think for yourself, rather than WHAT to think?
Neither have I. So I created one.
It’s called “Holistic Sex,” and is the result of 9 years of study, trial and error, exploration, experimentation, transformation, and healing. It’s the distillation and aggregation of the greatest concepts and approaches to sex and spirituality over the eons that I have come across.
But why me? Well, I’ll be honest – I experienced much shame, awkwardness, despair, and confusion around sex growing up. I had very little success or abundance of intimacy, and like most of us, had no idea what I was doing or “supposed” to be doing. It wasn’t just that though – I was insecure, hurt, and resentful towards both men and women that I carried over from being bullied during high school.
I was looking for love, attention, validation, and desperate to be told I was worthy of love… and going about trying to get it in all the wrong ways. It had nothing to do with any fancy skills I didn’t know or secret “girl code” I was missing. It was my foundation that was broken, and thus everything built on top of it in life was too.
I was lonely, angry, and depressed, and rather than settle for mediocrity or give up (and by giving up I mean ending my life), I made a vow to do whatever it took to figure this whole “sex and relationship thing” out.
And I did.
Every bit of this has changed, and I now have the confidence, love, esteem, mindset, and skills to create the connection, respect, satisfaction, and intimacy that we all long for – and deserve. Through my own transformation, I’m now able to help others gain clarity, hope, happiness, and incredible pleasure in their love lives – all without having to sacrifice the body or spirit. I’d be honored to share with you the core essence and foundation of this philosophy of “Holistic Sex.”
Since many of us primarily focus on the physical aspect of sex first and foremost, we tend to ignore, downplay, or remain oblivious to the other three levels of arousal and fulfillment. The truth is, most people are nowhere close to reaching full satisfaction and fulfillment from sex – not even close. Since many of us primarily focus on the physical aspect of sex first and foremost, we tend to ignore, downplay, or remain oblivious to the other three levels of arousal and fulfillment. The physical techniques, positions, touches, and tastes of sex only account for
25% of what’s possible and desired – and that is ONLY IF you are able to arouse your partner with incredible skill by touch alone.
This means many of us are leaving out 75% of our capacity to fulfill, satisfy, and pleasure our lovers by focusing just on the physical.
What’s missing in most of our sex lives is a holistic approach; one that fulfills both partner’s desires on all four of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. What’s missing in most of our sex lives is a holistic approach; one that fulfills both partner’s desires on all four of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels.
Note I didn’t say IGNORE the physical and ONLY focus on the spiritual – that’s just as neglectful. The idea that the body’s desires are inherently bad is a major issue with many religious or spiritual paths of sexuality. While there are abusive and harmful acts that clearly need to be transcended and healed, there are still healthy desires for physical pleasure remaining. Only when we can fully accept and integrate all aspects of ourselves will we have peace.
Let’s take a look at each level and see how it plays a part in a holistic approach to sex:
Physical: This includes the physical aspects of touching, kissing, ravaging, tasting, licking, thrusting, hugging, spanking, sucking, and all other forms and flavors of the sex acts we all know of.
Mental: This includes roles plays, dirty talk, erotica, teasing, sexual tension, sexting, fantasies, and taboos. The same physical sex acts can have a different effect depending on which “mental context” they’re done in.
Emotional: This includes the emotional states felt during and around sex such as: love, connection, safety, excitement, curiosity, anticipation, bliss, ecstasy, and playfulness.
Spiritual: This includes the spiritual and energetic aspects of sexuality, such as the polarity dynamics, energy exchange, higher “soul level” connections, sex used to reach divine states, and even the subtle everyday “vibes” we all feel regardless of our spiritual stance.
You may think that you’d be hard-pressed to find these exclusive of one another – and you’d be right. There is indeed a blend between all of these, and that is at the core of why it’s imperative to view sex holistically. We may have put our focus in one direction or another, but the power comes from consciously approaching it on all four levels.
What does this look like in practical action?
If your sex life is incredibly fulfilling, chances are you’re partaking in a wide range of activities that fall into all four levels. If not quite so fulfilling, the level or two that’s missing is probably jumping out at you. The best course of action is to start to explore where your efforts are currently, and where they need to go in order to satisfy both you and your lover.
When you can approach sex from all four levels, your capacity for sexual fulfilment increases to a full 100%. It’s not about choosing mind over body, spirit over flesh; it’s about seeing the purpose and value in all levels. When you can approach sex from all four levels, your capacity for sexual fulfilment increases to a full 100%. It’s not about choosing mind over body, spirit over flesh; it’s about seeing the purpose and value in all levels.
This brings us to an important point. Many of us who seek to be on a conscious sexual or spiritual path want to do the “right” thing. We want to have sex the “right way”. We want to talk, act, arouse, touch, mate, and play in a way that is “right” and “good” – as well as satisfying to our desires.
The problem is we are confused as hell! We have been conditioned by our society from all sorts of contradicting angles on what to do and what not to do. We are both exploited and shamed for the same acts and desires.
How do we sort through this? Which doctrine is the best? Which dogma leads to the promise land of sexual ecstasy and fulfillment? What are the mindsets, beliefs, approaches, and behaviors that are involved in holistic sex?
Well, I don’t like to preach on what’s right or wrong, or proclaim a new dogma that you must conform to. Instead, what I teach my clients is a way for them to decide on their own.
I want you to be empowered to make your own choices and decide your own beliefs that will lead you down a path of sexual enlightenment without guilt, shame, or fear.
Through an intense pragmatic approach of deduction, I’ve discovered a set of five “rules” that help anyone discover if something falls under the philosophy of holistic sex or not.
Essentially, what guidelines all beliefs, behaviors, and emotions must meet to be the most conducive to an authentic and empowering sex life.
These five tenets allow you to easily and with assurance sift and sort through the conditionings of media, religion, parents, and culture:
The first is empowering. This rule asks if the belief, emotion, or behavior (BEB) is empowering to you. Does this give you power and reclaim your responsibility? Or does it take your power away and give it to another source? Will doing this make you a victim or a creator?
The second is positive. This asks if the BEB is positive or not. Does this make me feel good when I do it or does it make me bad? Does this uplift and inspire love within me, or negativity?
The third is ecological. This asks if the BEB is harmful or not to myself, my partner, or the world. Does this hurt or harm myself or my lover? Am I causing destruction and suffering to the environment around me? Is this causing any trauma?
The fourth is inclusive. This asks if the BEB is something that is okay to do, or is it something that tells you what not to do. Does this increase wholeness or promote separation? Do you feel less or restricted because of this?
The fifth is congruent. This asks if the BEB is in alignment with my other BEBs. Does this align with my values? Does this fit into my current model of morality or spirituality? Would somebody else find this BEB of mine congruent with who I am?
With these five tenets of holistic sex, you now have a checklist to asses all your beliefs, approaches, values, and practices of sex with. If a BEB fails any one of these, then it’s not currently the best for you to have, feel, or do. Even if it meets four out of five, it’s not as holistic as it could be and would avoid including it. Begin to question your current beliefs and approaches to your sexuality, and really take the time to decide for yourself what serves you best – keep what works and leave behind what doesn’t.
Just because it fails to be “holistic sex” material, doesn’t mean that it’s definitively wrong or bad. It simply means that it’s not as empowering, positive, ecological, inclusive, and congruent as necessary to serve you in the highest way possible. But that’s for you to decide. The great thing with this set of criteria is that it works for all people, regardless of culture, race, religion, or ideology.
When you begin to shift your relationships and sex towards a paradigm that is holistic, you will discover a level of freedom and transformation beyond what you believed is possible – this must be true because you will be shifting those beliefs! This approach will lead you down a path of pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment that will change your life forever.
Drew Gerald is a coach, entrepreneur, and author of “Holistic Sex” on Mindvalley Academy, as well as the forthcoming book for men “Become A Remarkable Lover” at http://remarkablelover.com. He also writes on personal development, where over 13,000 people a month visit his blog http://thepolyman.com to become better men. In a previous life, he founded and ran a high end software company for over 7 years – creating solutions used by Fortune 500 clients such as Disney, Square-Enix, Sony Pictures, Whole Foods, BT, Walmart, Discovery Channel, Turner, Acura, and thousands of others. Connect with Drew at http://drewgerald.com/